In Living Grey

When you live in a world of colour...how can you only see in black and white?
Imagine full colour with no colour...
Depression is a world that I'm living in,
There's only one colour...grey
Everything is in one shade.
Everywhere I turn...it's the same thing...
How did I get to this place,
Where all is ill...
Where the reverse is what I want...
Where my heart,rejects me
Where all of me is stewing in painless pain...
Where I really,honestly,truly,
Know not what to do,
I can't fix this...it's not that I don't know how to,
I can't...fix this
I said I wasn't spinning out of control...I spun out of control,
And got thrown onto a new dimension,
The solution to a broken heart
Was to never love again,
To hurt feelings
Was to vent it out,
To unforgivable deeds
Simply not forgive,
What's the solution to double loss with absence,
Cheat me out of this place,
Distract me all day and all night,
Because the moment you stop,
It'll still be there...
I'm awake when I'm asleep
And asleep when I'm awake,
And it still feels the same...
I'm drowning in a waterless land,
Unable to see...I can't see,
I'm so so sad.
Hakuna machozi naweza lia nijiponye.
How do I reach out to myself,
Even I don't know how to be here,
Please pray for me...
I mean,really pray for me
Interceed...

Sonia.

O.D

If I overdose on a drug...I won't die,
I'll wake up with faces,
Faces...staring at me with wonder,
Questions...tears...remorse full of regret
Genuine hearty emotion.
If I overdose on something else,
It won't be enough,
I won't die...
I'll keep going,
Keep searching
I'll get physically unwell,
Mentally fatigued,
Emotionally confused...unstable,
Wait,I'm already that,
Well further more...
But there's one,
Something I've overdosed on,
Sacrifice...
I sacrificed myself,my mind,my time,my energy,my sanity..
My soul...my body...my will,
I gave everything...
And now...I have nothing left to give...nothing left to sacrifice
I'm crying with my thoughts...
Crying with my words,
Crying in my dreams...
I have no tears of expression,
No more fears of oppression
Wooing me...is depression.
What confided in me was my sanity,
What came alive in me was my humanity,
But no more...
There's no trust anymore
So it all just drifted away...

Sonia.

Pursuit Of Greatness

Identifying the consortium of things that i juggle up with my relentlessness....as i seek to gain my purpose, seek to find my main.. on this earth's surface, struggling as if wanting to find some significance within my lifelessness..pursuing what seems to be a distant glory, bleak yet what i seek is bliss. The overcrowding nature of today's problems taunting every step i take, neglecting what seems to be the struggle I go through everyday to achieve something that gives me joy.....I need a sign
My hopes, Dreams, Fears, engaging themselves in a tug of war, unpurturbed....not really...maybe calculative of my so called life...nothing seeming to add up, everything deluding into no sense at all..a wall protruding from hence where there was a hedge..hoplessness seeming to push it further away, creating a hollow that keeps sucking away any signs of progress but yet that I... ..maintain my stance, not loosing sight of what lies ahead, my future, my happiness...
Learning...to navigate..the intricacies of life, planning to shake off any discrepancies, persuing a greatness only known to myself, entangled in the ever conscious web of desire that builds and prods within to push and shove, 'you need to make it..'he says' ...'you have to make it' he continues...yet through all this bombarded by the hussles of life that constrict my efforts to strive...threatened extinct by the unforgiving nature of the world..
...Still I hold strong, the renewal of my strength ever a pleasant fragrance that I take in everyday, an anchor  to the soul that lifts my weary self....'music to my soul' I tell him....a renewal that makes me believe that what I am looking for can be achieved, and I will go after it...unrepentant of what I seek, redemption coming not by being weak, so I continue encouraged by the vindicting nature that effort pays you with, elation filling my spirits, knowing that a day comes when I shall heal from all this, because from where I stand, as at now..
it looks beautiful, a piece of fine art, one that shall be a masterpiece that I created when i say 'it is done' and all this from what will be my Pursuit Of Happiness...

A silent affair...

In my head, you and i have been one
bound by the chains of love
we have been the happiest of prisoners alive
In my mind's eye
i have visualized every single detail
however sordid, however memorable
I've seen them all so clearly
we have redefined love,
and what it means to love
We've said the magic words
"till death do us part..."
we have lived a good life
not one without troubles
But every downfall we have overcome
for in my mind, you and i are one..
We have been happy,
we have been sad
we have laughed
tears too...we have known
We have fallen apart
we have reconciled
and further strengthened this our love
In my mind, i have found the one for me
In you, i have found the path that has led me to love
i have not fallen into it..
but gracefully sauntered into it
All this, in my mind
A silent affair
You and I have had
One that has been wonderful
yet you don't know my name
you don't even know i exist
But in my mind
you know every part of me
from my hair to the soles of my feet
You have understood me,
now i wonder....
if this silent affair can come to be true.

Painful Injection

I stare into oblivion, clueless
my rigid soul lacking an opinion..soul...less
a painful hollow that stands bare
with every side within me, pulling..wanting to tear

The power with which it holds, numbing me,
bringing my will to weaken, not letting me be.
i writh in anguish over it's clasping nature
which threatens to pull down my resilience..

The definition that is torment, ingrained into
every living part that stands with this body,
devastation as it seeks to leave ruin,
leaving me...still..unmoving...begging at it's mercy,
that being like staring into the horizon....
unreachable, unfarthomed but yet attainable

Yet through all this, blow after blow struck,
weakening what is any ray of hope,
that may peek, seeking redemption..a ray....
of light...maybe signifying that the battle is not lost,
but that...is not to be...in my head...maybe..
but i'm going crazy...

It's saddist nature laughing as my grip loosens
to any chance of survival, inhibition filling through my nerves
serving its tastes of pure raw piercing hurt..misery at its best..
my mobility halted as my enslaved nature slowly gives in...
trying to fight its last blows....

Yet all this in vain,
death of a soul unbecoming, the body...
giving in into its detention, a final bow out by what is....
the painful injection...

Dance with me....

Bring your hand, let me hold you
give me your heart let me go through....
like a book...peruse every word, every sentence...
with you...promising to hold every word in remembrance.

Dance with me...
Hold my heart, listen to its heartbeat...
lean into my arms so that you can cushion it,
take in each moment like it is your last
let yourself go...just have a blast.

Dance with me..
Let my love engulf you..
let me hold your heart as you hold mine,
dine with me, play with me...let this be true
beautiful....i can't believe that you are mine.

Dance with me....
Elated by the joy that you bring in my life,
so tender, so loving, so caring...brings me alive.
every moment defining what we have become
almost feel like we have become one...

Dance with me...
Let me be the one that your heart seeks
like an ensemble, let our hearts come together
our highs and lows made better by ourselves
for real!!!...i just want you to myself..

Dance with me...
My heart not selfish...wanting you..needing you
construing a desire that drives me near you
let our souls unite with passion that runs through...

Please....will you give me the pleasure and Dance with me..

My random thought

Like sand filtering through the hour glass
so my body sifts through everyday life like a mass
Like mystery through manner, manner through mystery
so my thoughts stay inclined with me
Like a baby who is just from being born
so my heart lies, so clueless so torn

Like a fire blazing its flame
so i seek to make my name using my game...
Like coal grounded within the earth, so hot
so my emotions stay locked within...like a knot.
Like a wave surging through the ocean waters
so do the thoughts in my head keep making my mind...alter

Like a sunflower following every movement of the sun
so i follow my dreams and dare them to be....
like a coffin, buried six feet within the earth
so my life has been...trying to bury my past, ever since birth....

Like the sunrise that morning gives away
so does my life begin....a new chapter everyday..
Like a gaze into a beautiful woman's eyes
so will her body..deceive you into believing her lies
Like a dark cloud hanging in the sky
so do the regrets negate my attitudes...often finding asking myself why..
yet like a clarity brought about by a crystal
so my life paints for me.... a beautiful canvas it continues to use
the only thing i brace for is the symbol.....

MY BATTLE.

Its benevolence stares at me
its demeaning nature taunting me
shadowing me as if to haunt
what is left, giving rise to a dilemma.

Its beautiful nature once ensnared me,
the seductive propensity controlling every fibre of my being
the alluring look that it holds blinding
never minding that its taste binding and defining every sense of sweetness giving rise to confusion...

the sensuality that forthcomes with it entangling,
a web of conscious fatality that is hidden behind what it defines,
my mind telling me to get away, but my body yelling for me to stay...
which way will i sway i ask...
giving rise to contradiction.

Interdiction...mind profusion...I cant handle the confusion!!
I'm yelling from the inside, burning on the outside,
caught in between a balancing act,
choosing between desire and ethical technicality,
but what i need is the right tact.

Fact...if i choose desire it may satisfy my craving that keeps growing higher but yet so...
leave me in a quagmire,
if i follow my conscience do what is right, i just might escape with what is my life but lose out on what could be satisfaction in its entire...
...enquire...why not? I'm walking through the fire, delicately holding on to a very thin wire...

I want to leave, want to quit but often i find myself falling onto a path that i seem to struggle on, yet an easier path lies that i can throttle on...bottle up...my feelings...no battle up and win this, will I?
through my...determination? or will it through its vindication, a battle that construes an enigma,
one that proves to emanate with vigour,
so sit tight with me, and watch this keenly... 

I still stand

I sit here dazzled by the epitomies of life, anchoring onto the only light of hope that comes forth...
forgetting and getting deep out of the claws of strife but it keeps getting hard....its dark and am trying to flap my wings like a moth...relate
of what lies ahead i know not of, wide straight paths that lead to no particular direction, my heart..unruly disturbed by the conscientious facts of cascades that seem to hinder my constant struggle of steps focused on yonder....
Hit blow after blow of catastrophic setbacks that know not of mercy, seeking to tear down my will to fight, blurring my sight, holding my legs down...pinned dead on the floor...i cant seem to take flight
Yet i am expected to keep a fight,sink down...search myself for a little glimmer of strength, for a minute forget that i am a sinner with debt, raise my inner expectations with set exceptions that simmer my inner being with bits of strength each moment.....yet funny how they get swallowed whole by the rings of fire that consume burning up everything within, tearing down my terraces of a will to forge on....,
But yet the fortress that i lean on proves stronger, enhances my life with new moments, new beginnings, my ray of sunshine in my dark valley, in the dark alley...i walk not in fear of what the dark place holds for me, i stand tall in the hope of what my fortress protects me from...in the surety that it will keep me from being torn, in the certainty that with it very little goes wrong so i will stand firm among....my dark place because he my fortress has set the pace....so i just rest.